this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
