Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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