You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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