i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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