I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
