I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
