I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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