I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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