Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
