We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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