someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
