Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
