she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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