I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
