you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
