I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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