he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
