I think i peed on brittanys purse
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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