420 ftw
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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