I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
