So drunk its hurt
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
