she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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