bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm jealous of your bromance
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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