Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
