She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
