your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
