Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
