a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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