I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She bit a glass in half.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
