I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
