girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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