he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
