apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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