My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
