I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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