I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
