Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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