My underwear smells like fireworks.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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