Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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