The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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