Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
