some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i love accidental penises.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
