Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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