Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
