idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I didn't shave. On purpose
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
