Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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