Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
