I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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