No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
