Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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