Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
